#9 - Maybe, Maybe Not

I think waiting and wondering and trying to figure out worst case scenario and best-case scenario and what if this and what if that ……… all of these things are mind wrenching! That is where my mind is most of the time when I’m thinking of the unknown future of our family…. our baby boy…. The missing piece to my heart.

I kept asking God, “Why can’t this just be easy? Why does everything have to be a struggle and so incredibly hard?”

I didn’t get an answer from Him. He was silent …. Again.

I wanted loud, blaring, in my face answers and instead……I got nothing.

We knew some information about the case, and we knew that our baby boy had been TPR’d. – I will go into more details about that later. But for now, it meant he was available for adoption. But did that automatically mean we could have him forever? Was there someone else for him? We didn’t know. There were too many different scenarios to think about.

My mind wandered to them a lot. I didn’t want to think about them but then again, I did. I wanted to prepare myself for the worst. I needed to know if I should hide my heart again…...even though I knew this time the pain would be unsurmountable if he left me.

God please, please don’t let him leave me…… my heart cried out every day. And still, there was no magical wand to wave to give me the answers that I wanted, that I needed……I had to wait. And even though I should be a professional at waiting by now…… it still wasn’t any easier.

My heart felt like a monsoon of butterflies every time I took a deep breath, every time the phone rang, what would they say, what would we do if he left?........

I knew I would not be able to control ANY of this. That made me feel crazy inside. I like to be in control…..but obviously God was teaching me patience, trust, faith, letting Him have full control, releasing my anxiousness and so much more.

He gave me peace.

Peace in the waiting.

He was teaching me how to live and function in peace even though I was living in unknown circumstances.

I can see that now…..but I couldn’t then.

The case worker was surprised when we told her, just after a few days of having him, that we wanted to adopt him. I didn’t understand that. Couldn’t she see what a miracle he was? Didn’t she see what I saw?

She didn’t have any information yet on his case so needless to say, she couldn’t give us any answers without checking with all the different departments.

Please God, why can’t this just be easy? Just this one time?

His silence was hard for me.

I knew deep down that this was not going to be easy. But what could I do? I decided that I was going to love my baby boy forever…..even if forever didn’t look the way I wanted it to. He would forever be my baby boy no matter what, he was the piece that healed my broken tattered heart way down deep inside and I would be forever grateful for that.

Maybes and maybe nots are not definite. They are not finite. They are not black and white. They are grey. They are not yes, and they are not no. They don’t pick a side….they are in the middle. They are 50/50.

I’m not good with maybes.

God’s silence said, “Trust Me”

He was teaching me to accept His peace.

He was preparing me for what was up ahead.

Yes, the journey up the mountain is hard and daunting …… but the view from the top of the mountain is so worth it!

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

Isaiah's first car ride vacation adventure. September 2020