#8 - What do you think?

The discussions over that vacation were all about him…..our baby boy. I couldn’t help but smile. I was the mama carrying the most perfect and handsome baby boy. Oh the shopping that was done on that trip for him! I was so excited to be able to walk down the baby aisle and not just pass it without looking.

Normally, I would see it from far off in the store and only let my eyes gaze there for a second as I would walk past. What I wouldn’t give to be that mom looking at baby clothes and getting excited about the newest stroller and car seat. I never let on to anyone, but it was hard sometimes just to see things in the store that I never thought I would get to look at and buy for my baby boy. Wanting and waiting for a baby or any other prayer to be answered is hard. It’s painful.

But this time I was there with my baby boy…..and I was so happy. Couldn’t think about the future. It was too much. It would steal my joy in the moment. “Stay here in this moment”, I would tell myself. And that’s exactly what I tried to do.

We finally discussed adopting him. Our emotions were high, but it was something we needed to talk about. Was he the one? Should we just foster? What if? What if? What if? There were SO many “what ifs”. We knew what we wanted we just needed to say it out loud. Of course, we wanted to adopt him. We were so captivatingly, beyond a doubt in love with him. He was our baby! But can we adopt him? How do we find out? What if we were told “no”? What then?

There are so many unknowns when you are adopting. But I suppose that’s what being on a journey is all about. There are things up head that you don’t know about and can’t plan for. They can be easy or hard, difficult, winding, stopped, slow moving, sunny, rainy, stormy.

But as I looked at our baby boy, I knew that no matter what was up ahead, he was worth it! He was worth the unknown, the fear, the anxiety, the emence amount of love that I had for him, the endless tears, the crying and begging God for years……… he was worth it. My baby boy was worth it all. I didn’t know what was going to happen ….. or not happen…..but whatever it was, I was all in! Everything within my mama heart was bursting with love and it was all him.

Now we had to wait again…… for answers and other people to decide if we could in fact keep our baby boy.

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

Pictures from our first weekend with Isaiah on vacation.