#7 - The Door is Cracked Open

It was Friday, September 4, 2020. Our baby was being dropped off. I am still wondering if this is going to happen…….. My mind is very strange place to be.

They are here! I am practically shaking. I open the door. My eyes met his. It was like he was saying, “hi mama”. I cannot explain my feelings. I was still numb. Having an out of body experience. But he was real. He was really here. He instinctively reached for me as soon as he saw me.

I opened my arms for him.

For a new beginning. For hope. For love. For whatever was to come. For new possibilities. For the future. For the present. For my new journey. For whatever God had in store.

He knew what I didn’t yet know….. I was his mama.

I started to feel again in the deepest darkness part of heart. It was aching to love him. My heart needed him. I needed him.

We stopped by my parent's house on the way out of town for vacation. They wanted to meet our new baby. Of course, they were in love with him too. Just like Sydni, Paige, Jaylen, me and Andrew. What was there not to love about this baby boy? As we were leaving, my dad stopped me. With a tear in his eye he said, “Is it ok if I pray and ask God to let us keep him forever?”

Wow, that took my breath away. It stung. It pierced my heart. It made me wonder. It made me want to hope for the future.

Of course, I said yes and then let it go. I couldn’t let my mind wonder too far into the future. There were too many unknowns.

I just knew I got to be the mama with the baby boy……finally. If even for just a little while. It would be ok. I would be ok…..right? Would I be ok?

The next day, I told Andrew, “I think my heart could love him forever, but I’m scared”. He said, “Open your heart and let God do the rest.”

I knew I loved him. From the second I saw him, I loved him. Love at first sight is such a cliché to say but there are no other words to describe it. From the moment I looked into his big blue eyes as he was being carried up to our door, I knew that I would love him forever……. No matter what.

The door of my heart with the chiseled hole was bursting open. I could not stop it. He had been the aching in my heart and soul, the thought in my mind, the longing in my heart for so long…… now had a tiny perfect face, beautiful blue eyes and a tiny smile that was made just for me.

He was perfect.

He was mine…….. or was he? I couldn’t let my mind go there yet. I needed to stay in this moment for just a little while longer.

The door of my heart was opening for the first time in over ten years. It was rusty and squeaky and hard as steel, but love was moving it. God was bringing back to life what was dead in me. My heart was feeling more now than ever before.

This could end horribly.

This could end beautifully.

I didn’t know.

I had to wait and trust God again.

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

Isaiah's very first picture. September 4, 2020.