#6 - What did you say?

Some people probably thought we were crazy. I didn’t tell many people what we were doing or thinking about doing. Adopting a baby. What? Our last two kids were seniors in high school. Why were we even entertaining the thought of a baby? “Starting over”. Were we actually crazy? Was I talking my husband into something that he was just going along with because of me? Did he feel it? Did he want it?

All of these questions plagued my mind. Was I being selfish by wanting this….at this point in our lives? We could be “empty nesters”. What does that even mean? Those words scared me to death. That is exactly not something that I wanted. I wasn’t ready for that but what could I do about it? ………. Nothing. It was up to God. Not me.

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I was on my home from work. You see after all the years of being self-employed, I decided to become a teacher since I was no longer needed at home……. or so I thought and felt. I was in my second year of teaching. That semester was difficult. I was in a self-contained ese class. My teacher friends said that’s so hard you should rethink that. I brushed it off and said it’s not a problem, “I got it”. That’s just my personality. It was a huge adjustment. It pushed me. It taught me. It made me learn passed what I thought I knew. It made me grow. I was growing. It felt awful some days. What was I doing? I was being molded into the person I am today.

I called Andrew on my way home and he said, “I think Heartland called me today. They have a baby for us”. It had been a rough day at school. I told him, “No, they didn’t. You are wrong”. He said ok and for me to listen to message when I got home. I listened to the message and still didn’t believe it. This was not actually happening. You see, I had decided that God had changed His mind……. but had He? Or was that just me.

I couldn’t breathe when the lady on the phone asked if we’d take a 1yr old baby boy. This could not be real…? Or could it? There had to be a catch…. right? I told her I had to call her back.

What. In. The. World. Was. Happening?????? Was this really happening God? Am I dreaming? Am I making up what I just heard? My ears, mind, heart, soul, my entire being was in disbelief. So much so that I tried to get out of it! What in the world?

We prayed. We called my parents. They prayed. We told our kids. They were excited.

I called the lady back. You see, in these types of situations a lot of things are required and in play etc.……. I had questions. I had made up my mind that if she gave me an answers that didn’t work for us, we would say no.

We were leaving the next day on vacation. She said, “no, problem. He’s been TPR’d. That’ll be fine”. What? I was floored! That is NOT normally the case.

The crib was in our room. He was 1yrs old. Their policy was 1yr and up had to be in a room without the parents. She asked if we had another room available. I told her just our office. She said, “Great! Would you be willing to move the crib in there?” What??? She had just given me the exact OPPOSITE answers I was expecting.

My mom said maybe she was giving me the right answers…….she was correct.

Andrew and I looked at each other……”Are we really doing this? Is this really happening?”

God if this isn’t You make it stop. I can’t bare losing him and he’s not even here yet. Please God, let this be You. I can’t breathe. My heart is beating in a rhythm that feels like it’s not even in my chest anymore. Is God answering my over ten year long heart aching prayer? Is this real? What do I do? I don’t know how to feel. It’s been so long. So many feelings. And yet I felt nothing. I was numb. Is this real? Do I let my heart feel this? I want this so bad. What about the pain? There are no guarantees. Can I do this? How am I going to do this? Can my heart take this? My mind is a minefield of questions and what-ifs.

God what is the answer? Please give us the answer.

And God said, “Yes”.

Love & Blessings,

Amanda