#5 It’s Time to Wait Again

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. . . . . . . . how much waiting can one person do without giving up? How long is long enough? Or not long enough? Does no answer mean no? Do I quit? Do I move on? Do I give up? Do I act like I don’t care anymore? Will that get me through? But do I still care? Or is that feeling just despair? I don’t like to wait. I am not a good “waiter.” I like instant and now. When I feel like I’ve waited long enough, I want my answer. There was still none.

Silence.

Silent.

Deafening Silence.

Ear piercingly silent.

That’s what waiting sounds like to me. That’s what waiting feels like to me.

Even after having everything completely ready for a baby. The baby was still missing. It wasn’t real yet. It was still an idea in my head. A longing in my heart. A pain that was covered with scar tissue that was now open again and tender and hurting on the outside and not just the inside anymore. I kept pursuing the idea of adopting a baby that God had put in my heart……but where was the baby? Sometimes I thought maybe I had just made everything up in my head and it wasn’t really God that laid this on my heart. Did He forget? Did He change His mind? Did I do something to mess everything up? It was me. It had to be. How could God want me to dig up all those feelings of despair, hope, longing that broke my heart, that made me want to believe again and then …… just leave…? Here I was waiting AGAIN! I was done. I told myself it was not going to happen. “Do not think about it Amanda”, that’s what I told myself. I ignored the empty crib that stared at me every day. I just went on with my life.

I tried not to get angry with God but let’s be real …... I did sometimes. Why did my husband have so much faith and conviction that it was going to happen? Why where my kids so excited about something and someone that we didn’t even know was going to come or not? Where was my faith? I don’t know. I couldn’t feel it. I didn’t want to feel it. I wanted to build my walls of fortified concrete back up around that part of my heart and cement the door shut again forever this time.

Every time I would crack the door, peek out the chiseled hole, breathe again there……. I would start to feel again. Vulnerable, scared, out of control, anguish from the past, fear for the future, it was too much. I didn’t have to do this to myself again. I didn’t have to do it . . . . . . but I did have to do this. I wanted it so bad but, it was easier to just not do it and not feel, then to chance facing potential heart crushing outcomes I knew were possible. I didn’t want to feel that way again. But maybe this time would be different. Maybe this time I would be the mama holding her baby boy. Maybe God would hear me this time. Maybe He would answer my prayer. Maybe my heart would be able to feel complete. Maybe that little seed that was planted long ago was enough. Maybe my smaller than a mustard seed of faith was enough. Maybe I was enough this time. But we were still waiting…….. “why are we still waiting God?” “Haven’t we waited long enough?” I would ask God these questions.

I heard………..nothing……..silence…… I was used to feeling this way. I had felt this for over ten years. Some may say, “but what’s a little while longer?” I say, to my heart, it felt like a hundred lifetimes of waiting, wondering and longing over and over again. But as the song says, “I’m going to wait on You.” And that’s what we did.

I needed to grow more. I didn’t know that, but God did.

I didn’t know what was up ahead, but He did.

I needed to wait expectantly ….. but haven’t I’d been doing that every year that I’d put on my New Year prayer paper …. a baby. Wasn’t that being expectant?

My waiting had made me weak. I needed His waiting. His waiting gave me strength. I needed strength in my waiting so I could be ready for my journey. I needed to acknowledge that dark pit in my heart that housed all of my despair and give it God. I needed Him to make beauty from my ashes because I could not. So I stayed in it. I stayed in the wait. Looking back now I can see what God was doing during this waiting period and I am forever grateful for it.

So we continued to wait. It wasn’t an easy wait. But we waited. So please stay in your wait. It’s not easy. But wait. We waited and waited and waited.

And then it changed. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Love & Blessings,

Amanda