#4 That Planted Seed

Planting a seed. Sometimes we don’t even know we are doing it. Sometimes God uses other people to plant a seed in us and neither person knows it at the time. Looking back over our journey to Isaiah, I can see how God used people, friends, family and situations to plant a seed in me that would not grow until some time later. That later, took on the form of years, tears, happiness, unbelief, anger, heart hardening pain and pure joy that I cannot explain. One specific time comes to mind. I was talking with a close friend (she knows) about life and kids and possibly adopting. She looked me dead in the face and said, “you need to do this.” I unknowingly laughed it off. Fast forward a few years and my conversation with her was fresh in my mind as we were getting our baby boy. She did not know it, but God had just used her to plant a tiny seed in my heart. I am forever grateful for that seed that was planted.

That seed did not automatically bloom. It went through a storm or two or twenty. It was watered with my silent tears that I cried alone in my bathroom when no one was watching. The roots of that seed had to bury down deep into the hardest parts of my heart. I am surprised it survived most days. I had shut that part of me off for so long it was like it wasn’t even there anymore. That seed met the tiniest of a mustard seed of hope that was left down in that darkest part of my heart, and there my heart started to believe and hope again. It still was not easy. Just the process of thinking about this brought so many mixed emotions to me. I was excited, scared, angry, expectant, and still waiting. Once we decided that yes, we would travel this journey, it was not unmet with roadblocks, detours and speed bumps. We called and started the foster parent classes, the home studies and the interviews. There were many days that I did not want to continue for fear of having my heart broken again.

You see, we had been wanting a baby for over ten years ………. We tried EVERYTHING. Nothing worked. I wondered if I wasn’t a good enough mom to my two daughters and maybe that’s why we couldn’t have anymore kids. I always blamed myself. It was easier to think this way rather than wonder why God had said “no.” But He hadn’t really said no.

He hadn’t said anything at all. Which I took as a “no.”

He was silent.

He said not yet.

He said you need time to grow.

He said wait.

He said have patience.

He said I am writing the symphony of your life.

He said I am preparing a miracle unlike you have ever seen before.

He said you will have a testimony.

That seed weathered the storms of my mental and emotional anguish and continued to grow and push through all of my doubt and fear. Each time I would tell Andrew, “take that crib down, I don’t want to see it.” He would gently say, “have faith, I know God is going to send us miracle.”

He had to have the perseverance and faith for both of us. And he did. Looking at that empty crib everyday just reminded me of the longing in my heart that wasn’t filled. That I had given up on.

I encourage you to push past everything that is holding you down and let that tiny seed that God has planted grow. It’s hard. It’s more than hard. Trust me, I know. The process is never easy but keep growing. Never stop growing. That’s what God wants us to do. He was preparing me through all of my hard and sometimes excruciating growth, for the miracle, the journey, the testimony that He had up ahead for us.

Love & Blessings,

Amanda