#18 - It's Been 6 Weeks

It’s been six weeks since the first time our baby left. After that day we didn’t know what to expect. Would he keep coming and going, back and forth? What was going to happen next? We still didn’t have definite answers. That part was tough, very tough…. hard, all-consuming with doubt and fear. Fear of our future as a family, as mom, as dad, as sister, as our son......for his future.

It isn’t normal we were told for there to be such a long-time frame in between the visits. The first one was very difficult and now it had been six weeks. Had something changed? Would we get to keep him now?

And six weeks later we got the call that he was leaving again. I am not going to lie; this was very hard and difficult for me. I had SO many emotions and feelings about this. Why did they wait six long weeks? What was going on? Why did this feel so wrong? If our baby had to go somewhere else, why did they wait so long in between visits? This isn’t ok……...all of these things played over and over in my mind.

And then I remembered, I asked God for His will. Was this it God? If it was, would I REALLY be ok with it? I had told God that I would, but if it came down to it would I really be ok……? I truly didn’t know. I just knew I had to continue on this journey that God had put us on……...even though we didn’t know where it would lead…or not.

I’m not going to lie to you, the adoption process is hard and difficult and heart wrenching and beautiful and all-consuming joy and love all at the same time. And every adoption is different. And I had to be here for all of it. As a forever mom and a maybe just for right now mom. I had to commit to both no matter what. That is HARD! Trust me, I know all too well how difficult this is……but it’s what I am called to do. Maybe it’s what you’re called to do too…….

I had to be strong for our son. For my family. For our future. For our present. I had to stay in the “now.” I continually prayed for God’s will. There was no other way through this. It’s the ONLY thing I could do.

I HAD to trust God with our son’s future. That’s the only way I knew he would be ok……that’s the only way I’d be ok. Knowing our baby would be in God’s will either way.

I prayed for everyone involved in this process……it was all I knew to do. This brought me an odd sense of peace. Knowing that I had done everything I humanly could to prepare for our son’s future. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I knew no matter where his future was, God would be there with him. That brought my heart peace.

The days had so many emotions attached to them. Sometimes I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Just watching myself swirl around and around in a tornado of extreme emotions attached to people, situations, thoughts, fears, love. God met me every time in the center of my tornado. He was the calm in the middle.

Tornados cause destruction and hurt and fear……. but they also clear a path, make you see things from a different view and give way to starting fresh and new.

It was my choice as to what perspective I would choose to see. I was surrounded………but not by my tornado but by MY God.

Elevation Worship – Surrounded/See A Victory was on repeat…………

“It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You”

“It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You”

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

*Isaiah at 16 months old - 2020