#17 - So Many Firsts

It had only been a few weeks with our baby boy and so many things had happened. So many wonderful “firsts” with our boy. First word, “mama”, first trip to Disney, first time out of state, first time clapping, giving kisses and the list goes on and on. It was a dream come true. He was a dream come true. I had longed for these moments with my son for over a decade. The dreams I had in my head were nothing compared to how amazing it was actually experiencing them with my perfect miracle. I would never forget any of this. It is forever etched in my mind and on my heart. All my feelings watching him experience life and grow and learn. All the joy and happiness and love that I had for him in every moment I will never forget. His perfect little smile and his big blue eyes locked with mine. I thanked God for letting me have these first-time moments with my baby. They were more special to me than he’ll ever know.

You see, not knowing what the future holds makes a person appreciate the present that much more. We still didn’t know from day to day what was going to happen with our baby. Would we get to keep him forever? Was he leaving us? We didn’t know……And no one else knew yet either.

I wrote everything down. From the day we got the phone call to take him to the day he said his first word and everything in between. I didn’t want to forget these things and the joy they brought to me no matter what might happen in the very near future. Even in the midst of all our uncertainty, there was happiness and love because of our little baby boy.

This was also the first time that I had completely opened my tattered, tear-stained heart to this journey. It hurt. It hurt to rip open all those things that were hiding my heart. My heart hurt. I loved him so much already that it hurt. But this was not a bad hurt. This was a love so deep that it would be with me forever.

Forever was not a word we used yet. It was a scary word, daunting, fearful, uncertain in my human eyes.

I didn’t say much but it was always playing in my mind, “God please let me be his mama forever.”

I didn’t know if I was going to get my forever or not. Only time would tell. Only God knew.

This was also the first time we had been in this kind of situation. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, beautiful, nothing, everything……….. we were here and we were in it.

Even though some of our “firsts” weren’t all cherries and roses, some more like rotten fruit and thorns, they were still apart of our journey. Not all first-time moments are fun.

But this was also the first time in my life that I felt God so much and so big in my life. So much peace in a time of so much chaos. The first time I felt like God was literally carrying me because most days I was not sure how I would’ve made it. I’ve always known God loved me, but this was the first time I really felt God’s love for me and my life. These are the firsts that brought me even closer to God. Closer to the person He wanted me to be. Closer to the journey and the future He had for me.

Love & Blessings,

Amanda