#13 - The Walls Begin to Build.......Again

Things were happening so fast. I was so happy in that little bubble in my mind that didn’t have to think about the future “whatifs.” We had only had our baby boy for a couple weeks, but we were so totally and completely in love with him….. no matter what. He was the perfect missing piece to our family…. if even only for a little while.

Even though I loved my baby boy immeasurably, I could still feel my heart wanting to prepare and start building walls of stone again. Not just stone this time but with iron doors and locks with no keys. This would keep the pain, hurt and despair out ……right?!?!? Not a chance….

How in the world was I going to live without him? My perfect, blue-eyed miracle, the baby boy my heart had longed ten long years for, the piece of my heart that made me complete… my son. I had no idea why God was letting this happen. Happen to me, to Andrew, to our kids, to our family. Why?

Will I ever understand why You let this happen God?

I want to be selfish and try to make the situation about what I want…… but I can’t. I love my baby boy too much for that. If I’m not what God wants for him, then I will have to be ok with that.

He will be ok. I told myself this every day. God has him.

But me…. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.

And I wasn’t.

I’m not.

I will never be the same again.

I am forever changed.

I am not the same person I was before this.

I was not the same person during this.

I am not the same person after it.

I am different in so many ways I cannot even explain.

I have been shaken to my core.

I don’t know how I was even breathing some days.

I believe differently now.

My faith is different.

My peace is different.

My heart is different.

My journey is different.

We were being told that our baby boy would be gone in a matter of weeks. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds.

I had to cherish each one. I didn’t know if I’d get anymore.

The harder my heart became with every passing second……. The softer it grew every time I looked into my baby boy’s face. His perfect little face. The face that was made just for me…... no matter what.

Building walls is easy. Breaking walls is hard.

Hard hurts. Easy is, well easy and comfortable.

If my baby boy left, it was God’s will. I could not stop it even if I wanted to.

I didn’t want to. I wanted God’s will for my baby, my miracle.

I loved him that much. More than my wants. More than my hurts. More than my walls. More than my breaking. More than anything.

God where are You?

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

Isaiah's 1st Christmas 2020