#12 - They said, "No"

Waiting. This should seriously be my middle name.

The call we were waiting for finally came…… but it wasn’t the answer that we wanted to hear.

“No, I’m sorry. You can’t keep him. He has to go somewhere else.”

I was at work teaching when I got the call. A part of me wasn’t surprised. Of course, this was happening to me. It was all too good to be true in the first place. I was immediately becoming a stone wall. Not just my heart this time but my entire being. I would do what was asked of me, of us, but this was going to be the last time. I was NEVER doing this again.

I called Andrew and my parents and told them the information that was given to me. My dad told me to just keep praying, it’s not over yet. But I wanted it to just be over. Done. Whatever was going to happen I wanted it to happen quick and just be over. Whatever God’s will was going to be was fine but I wanted it done. Fast. Rip the band aide off quick. Bury it down deep, real deep this time, and move on. That would be best for everyone. Done and over. But it wasn’t.

I wanted to be mad at God for the answers that I didn’t receive.

Why did He let me open my heart just to have it crushed again?

Why wasn’t I good enough?

Why couldn’t I be his mama forever?

I bargained with God. I told Him I promised to be the best mom ever and do whatever I had to, if He’d let me keep him.

Silence.

I prayed.

Silence.

I called my dad to pray.

Silence.

I needed something. Anything. But I didn’t know what.

I didn’t know how to feel.

I didn’t know what to do.

I kept praying.

I had this weird peace. Why? Why did I feel peace in my soul when everything I could see was out of my control? I didn’t understand it. It felt weird. God was giving me His peace. It started a little at a time. And then a little more and a little more. Peace in chaos feels strange. Maybe that’s just me but it’s a feeling like none other.

I called my parents to pray again. My dad told me that God was giving me peace and that I needed to trust and wait on Him.

Ugh! There’s that word again. WAIT.

“Wait” and I are not friends!

But I had to do what God wanted me to do. So, you guessed it….. I waited…. again.

Little did I know that this was just the start of a waiting game that I was now a player in. I was tossed around like the dice being rolled. How they landed was out of my control. How this ends is out of my control.

I prayed.

I called my dad to pray.

God said, “I am in control.”

Love & Blessings,

Amanda

Isaiah's 1st Thanksgiving - 2020